Being Persistent and loving like Christ.

Today I got my first taste of what ministry is like.
I know I know, I'm 17 and I am not a certified minister/pastor/preacher/what-have-you, BUT as a daughter of Christ, gifted with the power of his spirit (like everyone who calls Jesus their savior) , I am a missionary and a warrior. Everyday I go out onto the mission field, a veritable battle field.

But today was the first time I really saw what it is like to try to convince an unbelieving world of the truth of who God is.

I have a friend. He's about the same age as me, in my classes, we hang out a lot around school and talk all the time over Instant Messenger. This morning, I wake up and turn on my computer and he starts Iming me. and out of nowhere he says he deleted me from his MySpace friends. When I asked him why, he responded that I was part of the system.( "PART OF THE SYSTEM MAAANN!!") and went on to clarify that by "System", he meant the church. No particular denomination, just the church.

After some coaxing, he explained he had some deep-seated grudges against the church due to a camp him parents sent him to as a kid as a punishment. When he got tired of the camp he tried to get kicked out, and when he finally succeeded the pastor of the camp went all fire-and-brimstone on him and his friends and told them they were corrupted souls that needed to be cleansed. Thus, he established that all Christians and God hate everyone who doesn't put up with the crap this church put him through.

I tried to explain that God isn't into torture.
No dice.

I tried explaining that God's love is a choice.
No dice.

I tried telling him that not all Christians are terrible people who want nothing more than to make you feel like crap.
STILL NOTHING.

By the end of this whole thing, I felt like blocking him and cutting him out entirely. But then, i was smacked over the head with this " enduring love" thing. In spite of everything we do, in spite of the way we close our ears to it, it still remains that Jesus loves us and died for us and he is still gonna knock at the door. He doesn't stop loving us, He doesn't stop trying to win us over. So why should I?

Cancer of the Imagination

Spreading, engulfing my thoughts
Metastasized to every organ, this thing is a part of me.
A disease without a cure, an addiction with no 12-step program,
A joyous imprisonment.
Love and hatred, peace and lunacy, from the depths or pain to the heights of happiness.
Uncontrollable and amazing, This is my affliction and my vaccination.
There is no drug that can give me immunity to it's hold, there is no pain it cannot deter.
My mind runs circles daily, as it stretches its fingers and takes my attention.
And though the world tries to force me into chemo, I won't do it.
I have cancer of the imagination, and I can't thank God enough.

Honesty Box Debate

So a while back, I posted a question to my honesty box (an anonymous app here on facebook. because I honestly was just wondering what kind of responses I would get. So far I have only gotten one responder, but she has responded a few times. I don't know who she is, but she seems to know everything about me and what I believe and why I believe it. That being said, I thought that in my efforts to "condemn" her for "not following my lifestyle" (note the quotes, denoting sarcasm. My real reason is to defend myself if whoever-this-is ever decides she's going to make this a real life issue), I thought I would post this. Have fun reading, guys.

MY QUESTION:Have you ever looked at porn? Do you regret it?
HER REPLY:Why would you ask this question? Have you looked at porn recently and regret it?
MY REPLY:I would ask this question because I honestly care for the people that have looked at porn and regret it. I've seen what it can do to people. People say it is harmless but it is like a grenade. Not only can it hurt you, it can hurt people around you.
Not true all the time, but in a lot of cases it is.
And No. I haven't looked at porn recently.

Don't take it personally. Its not like I am asking you to tell me who you are, and I would never condemn someone for it who isn't hurting me. I'm just trying to see if anyone would admit to it in total anonymity. I'm surprised I got such a hostile response from a girl even anonymously...
HER REPLY:
So you haven't looked a porn recently, but have you ever looked at porn???

And I think you do condemn people. I think you're very judgemental of other people if they dont' follow your lifestyle.

And I definately dont' understand the girl comment. Am I not supposed to take offense to judgments because i'm a girl? seriously. that's ridiculous, espcially coming from a fellow girl.
MY REPLYIn response to the offense thing, No I don't think you aren't supposed to take offense. The thing is that Porn-in terms of the way it is in our culture- is thought of as more of a guy thing. and for a girl to respond in a defensive way is surprising to me. Women don't tend to be as open as guys about it, whether defending their viewing of it or expressing shame for viewing it.

I think its pretty rude of you to ask me to admit this kind of thing when you know who I am. You at least have the anonymity to protect you from being judged, so even if I DID "condemn" you for looking at porn or whatever, that would never pass over into real life. YOU however could either pass judgement on me (because you know who I am) and call me either a "prude" for not looking at it, or a "hypocritical pervert" if I did, because you seem to think I hate people who have. And you couldn't be more wrong.

What do YOU know about my life? what do you know about my "lifestyle"?
You have no clue why I am the way I am, what II really believe, and why I believe the way I believe.
HER REPLY:I think you're a stuck up little christian girl who pretends to act like a badass and a punk little emo chick.

You believe in 'God' because of how you've been raised.
MY REPLYMillions of kids were raised the same way and don't believe in God. And millions of people believe in God, but weren't raised that way.

And in what way am I stuck up? Have I ever acted stuck up to you in real life? And as far as the badass comment and the punk little emo chick thing, I think I've heard that before. and frankly I don't care. You can call me a punk emo kid all day. You've never said it to my face, and therefore I can say that you pretend to act like you aren't afraid to say whatever about people. But in reality, you are too scared of what people will think of you. If you weren't you would've messaged me that last comment instead of commenting here.
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Well there you have it, Gentleladies and Gentlemen. Yes, I did get a little angry. But wouldn't you? Maybe not so passionately about the same thing, but about whatever you believe strongly about. Its a little aggravating for this person to make judgments about me when she has no clue what has happened in my life to make me think what I think. For the record, no matter what this girl says, I DO NOT judge people who have looked at porn unless it has an effect on me. None of you guys or girls have that much sway over me, so don't worry.

Also, if you don't have anything nice to say, its probably best to not say anything.

New year for new beginnings.

I can't say I'm sad to see 2008 gone. A lot of good things happened last year, but a lot of bad things happened as well. I want this year to be different. I want to be different this year.
I want to love more and burst out in anger less.
I want to be less negative.

I want to be a daughter my parents can be proud of.
I want to be less critical of myself and others.
I want to spend less time hiding away from the people I love because I can't stand the way they are acting (read:how I am interpreting the way they act).

I want to be the woman of God my name suggests I am.

God is With Us.

Lets take on the world
and see what it throws back at us
Throw caution to the wind
forget all our sins and live!

God has picked us out and given us this mission
lets take the task and run with it

THIS IS LIFE!
Living full out arms out,
flying falling into the sky
THIS IS LIFE!
Giving up our selfish whims
and giving in to truth
this is life!
THIS IS LIFE!!!

Lets Take up arms
and face the armies against us
We can do this.
Emmanuel.

Good God, You still get us home!

"17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

My ex/Best friend came to Christ today! This is the verse that came to mind for him. He's saying things I'd never imagine him saying.
I could never have seen this coming, but thats the way God works. He loves to smack us in the face with the most wonderful surprising things.

Boy, did this smack me hard! I was bawling and shaking, now I am smiling my head off. Sometimes God does Christmas early :D

He tripped on Triple X's

This is dedicated to the guys I love, and to XXXchurch. It hurts to be on the other side of the porn thing, not the girl in the porn, but the one who has to watch you get sucked in.
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Trembling hands with trembling fingers
Reaching up, her arms outspread
Oh god please help me. my god! please help me!
Silent prayers in her head.

Muscles tighten, teeth clench to keep the screams inside
From the pain, the hurt, not just her own
Running, wondering where to hide
From the monster in her home.

Invisible to the naked eye,
Computer screens let it inside,
Only the careful see,
The poison monster as it creeps.

The death to spirit, blood and bone,
Silently invades the home.
There's nothing that the girl can do
To kill the death that's captured you.