Ascend

I will never cease to follow.
While my own world crumbles at the sides, and the road falls away behind me, I will run toward you and not look back.
There is a world of Horrors at my heels, but your hand pulls me along and out of their grasp, but not so far that I'll forget that you save me.

I will put my trust in you,
Your power is enough to cause the rocks and mountains to sing,  and you're worthy of every note and more...
The songs that flow from our pens and the pages we fill with words are so limited in relation to how beautiful you really are.

My father, I will trust you.
Though the world  around me screams for my attention, I will place you before me forever.
Make me pure, my God, and cleanse my heart and my motives.
Renew my mind and clean my lips.
Show me your beauty, and my eyes will glow like fire.
The intensity of your presence will kill the death in me.

Give me a new name, and I'll let go of me.

The Fall

"Wretched Thing..." I say to her
She can't be me, but my hands on my face mirror hers.
My face in the mirror is unrecognizable, my lips dripping with blood and cuts, mud smeared into the open scratches on my face.
I throw water in my eyes, and push my face under the tap to wash away that reflection
I scrub at my skin, thinking the more soap I use, the warmer the water, the more forcefully I wash, the easier it will be to forget the things I've done.

I never meant to fight.

I never meant to fall.
I didn't start out trying to become this thing that I am.

But this mind of mine, the tongue in my head...
it breaks bones and shatters skulls.
It sends me to my grave.

My actions and my every word reek of death.
I cry and scream of beauty,
but the words become just swears and sin as soon as they've been said
There is no breath or heart to beat inside my empty chest.
I press my face to the reflection and as I do she says
"How can you say you're living when your heart's weighed down with lead?"

Still Love

Look down at my hands, see the spots where dirt accumulates in the space under my nails.
this wasn't something I wanted to be, lower than a worm and of less importance.
It's the futile things I fill my arms with, and unimportant whims that consume me.
I'm blind to all that is holy, and the road to sin is all too clear.
________________________________________
Was I born for this life of uselessness?!
I dream of much more than my selfishness
I want to give you everything but my empty promises,
but I hold my best back, push you away
Hold on to my lack, and hide from the day

What makes you wait for me?
What is it in me that you see so worth keeping?
How when I've hurt you so much, do you still love me?
Do you still love me?


Somehow I still think I can fool you,
somehow I can hide my sin from your view,
And spend all my days in the worst things I could do
 try to clean up the outside, and keep the mud in
make attempts to look holy, while wrapped up in sin

What makes you wait for me?
What is it in me that you see so worth keeping?
How when I've hurt you so much, do you still love me?
Do you still love me?

A thousand times over, I've killed you
A thousand times over,You've cried all your tears out for me
After everything I put you through


Loving, you died for me
You saw the part of me, so deep, that's worth keeping
And even as I nailed you to the cross, you still loved me.
Oh God, you still love me.
Jesus, you love me.

I cried myself to sleep, aching for your voice to finally hit my ears, or to bounce off the sides of my skull, So lost in the brokenness of a late hour and the future closing in.
They say that emptiness is where you find your way in, and if that's the case, my spirit is an open door.
I've been falling for days and I haven't hit the ground but I can see it looming just beyond my outspread fingers.
Pull me back and pull me up into your arms again.
because I can't bear the pain of impact.
Father, just carry me for a while.

I just might regret this.

I think I'm afraid of you.
Maybe not you, but what you are.
With words like knifes and tendencies like atomic bombs, your kind are fearsome.
I've been hurt time and time again, and I've seen ones like me beaten and bruised by the group you are supposedly a part of.
Please tell me you're different and I don't have to worry.

I need hope there are good men in the world.
I need to know you are worth my time.
I need to know I am not completely insane for believing the spark of a thought lit when I met you.
I need to know there are no coincidences and there is a reason for the things that have happened.

People tell me it is blatently obvious.
and i'd Like to say i was better at hiding it than that.
i know i need to get to know You better.
but all the same...
am i a Lunatic for trusting Yesterday's insane visions?

Tonight, I'm feeling homesick for a place I've never seen, but for a face I have.
My heart is 1000 miles away, give or take 100.

Dreams

Oh dear God...


Its happened again.

Another night, spent sitting up and searching for words I really can't find, written out and set to music.
Should I write a song for this? Or should I try to fight it off and push it down again, so I can get by without my yearly dose of proximity to one. certain. person?
Maybe I am going crazy.
Maybe I'm already there.
Maybe I've been there for a while and I just haven't been paying attention.
Either way, I can't seem to fight it back anymore.
It seems like every time I open my mouth, his name and that memory are ready to fly out, looking for someone to tell me they are possible and I might not be imagining the words in my ears.
I've been crushed by unrealistic "love" before, and I know this might fall into that category in some minds...
But I can't get past the promise You made, I can't unhear Your voice or unread the words that said I know the plans I have for you...

Or maybe I am just wishful. Maybe I really am just destined for The Everyday.

A call to a friend.

My friend, I know your chasing heart.
I've been the person chasing solace and running away from the chaos in my own head. I know that.
But sister, these things won't sustain you! No guy, no distance is going to help you.
You can run to any corner of the world, any crevice you can fit into, any escape you can find, but nothing is ever going to help.
There is no life in anything that you can touch, smell, hear or experience. The only thing that is going to kill that ache and help you find peace is to go before the Father.
I can't pretend to understand the situation you're in, but I see in you the things that I felt before he took me in again. He loves you, he misses you, he wants you to be happy and not to hurt yourself! So do I.

Hermanas, para siempre. Te extraño.

Bury It Deeper.

Bury it deeper,
because everyone knows that the last thing this world needs is another sob story.
Keep it to yourself.
Everyone around you has their own things to deal with. What makes you think that anyone wants to hear what happened to you?
Be strong,
Only the weak let their guard down and let people in.

Break out the shovel.
My feeble hands clawed at the ground for way too long.
The bones of my victimized days and hours, the time I've wasted chasing other things and hiding away will lay me down in this hole, hollow and rotten from the heart out.
So here's where the question comes...
Do I lay down and wrap my mistakes close to my body like a shroud?
Do I throw another shovel of dirt on their grave, but go on worrying that someone will come and dig them up?
Or Should I lay them out for the world to see, for the Father to deliver me from, and finally let them die?

Decisions, decisions.