Whispers and Shouts.

When I was only a baby, the devil came to my mom.
One night when she was doing dishes, he whispered to her.
"You see your little 'gift from God' ? That precious little girl?
Well, I'm going to take her. I'm going to make her MINE."
Well, my mom, she's a fighter, and she didn't listen to his lies.
With all the force she had in her, she slammed her hands down and said "NO."
She claimed the force of my name over my life, and asked God to make it so.

"Gabrielle"-Strong Woman of God, or so the sites say.
And for 21 years, I've had that name. I've heard repeatedly the claim that GOD IS YOUR STRENGTH!
But I didn't let it take.

You see, I was a shy kid, and I covered it up with a punk mentality,
with a look of discontent and a tendency to only speak loudly when arguing.
But when those layers are stripped away, all that's left is a little girl,
Hiding in the shadows with her arms drawn up close so she can't be seen,
trying not to be noticed, least of all for her being.

I'm not talking about my body, but my soul.
I had this idea that if someone saw it grow, that'd make me start to fake it.
Like a native with a camera, I thought a glimpse would take it.
and so I hid it.
I buried my soul under layers of fear,
I hid the little sapling from the light for close to 6 years, and it withered away.

So I'd sit in worship and wonder why I felt nothing.
I'd sit and pray and wonder why I wasn't hearing anything but the negativity.
The voice that said to me "You've damned yourself with your sins, you little fake.
You play all perfect in the light, but look what little dark it takes to make you ugly."
All I saw was ugly. There was no joy in the little cell I'd made myself.
Bound up on every side by a black nothing.
A sucking hole I poured my purpose into, and I slept, lulled to sleep by it's incessant deathly humming.
"You see your little gifts from God, now see how far they go.
I've taken all your light away, and pretty soon you'll know...
YOU'RE MINE."

OH BUT THAT STUPID LITTLE LIE. How flimsy it proved to be,
when the girl who once stood silent in the dark,
now finds her voice and screams
"THE ONLY STUPID THING I'VE EVER BELIEVED WAS THAT YOU HAD CLAIM TO ME!"
And in one fell swoop the curse is broken, and now I am set free.
Now I'm shining in the light the Devil kept so long from me.

"Create in me..."

"Create in me a pure heart, O God..."- Psalm 51:10a 

Create in me. 

3 simple words we always seem to breeze right over so we can get to the next part. Most of the time, when I read it, I think this verse is all about the pure heart bit. I think as a result, I've missed out on something I've needed to know for a long time.

So often, we say "God Created us" and while this is true as a general statement ( God created humanity "in the beginning"), grammatically, I think there is a huge breakdown when we try to say "God created me." God did NOT "create" me (past tense), He is, however CREATING me. He gave me my form from the start, yes, but my heart, my mind, my personality, my soul is a constant job that will continue until I die.

God did not set his pen down when my life began and say "I'm done." No, he put me into this world and stopped to watch.  He gave me free will, He gave me a mind and a soul that longs for Him. He gives me all the pieces I need, then He allows me to try to put the puzzle together myself. Then, like the Father He is, He sits down with me and shows me how to do it, even if He ends up doing all the work himself.

David understood this. David made a mess of his life, but he recognized that he was still a work-in-progress, and that's what I need to learn. God is still working on me, putting me together and fixing what I put together wrong.

He's not done with me yet.