Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Life Inside My Head #1

(Some of these are old reflections, but they mostly relate to what's going on with me now. This isn't a super spiritual post. it's more about my insecurities.)
  • Sometimes I wonder why I write. 
    • This thing has always been secondary to the other stuff I do, but I feel like it gives me the most catharsis from my problems.
    • It's a prayer for me. I communicate with Jesus through this stuff, and I think the inspiration I get comes from the Spirit. I can't stop. It keeps me going.
    • But at the same time (next)
  • Sometimes I wonder if anyone other than God, my family and my church family cares about what I have to say.
    • There is so much pent up in this head of mine, and writing is one of the best ways for me to get it out, but no one ever discusses things with me. I want to know I'm not the only one who thinks like I do, going into the artistry of it and the poetry of a day.
    • I get the feeling people think I'm really really dim or inexperienced and whatever. I hate feeling like people think I'm stupid.
    • I feel like others don't have any faith in me, other than the ones that have to because I am in some way an investment of theirs. Like they have a stake in my success, if I fail they fail.
    • I have a couple people who pour into me that have no stake in my success, and that's so special to me, but more often than not, I'm just there to people.
    • I'm not asking to have people just blindly appreciate my existence, I want to MEAN SOMETHING to someone. Not just romantically, but...
  • Sometimes, I wonder if anyone will find me beautiful in anything but a platonic way.
    • I hate the fact that this bugs me so much.
    • Is there a tinge of Narcissism in this? probably.
    • Yeah, I know the Christian answer to this. "God made you, and you are a precious creation of his." I KNOW. I realize this.
      • is it wrong that sometimes this isn't enough?
      • Does that mean I have less faith in God? No, it's just different.
    • Statistically, I KNOW someone will, eventually. But for right now, at this minute, I need someone to say that I am not beyond hope.
    • Right now, I'm trying not to focus on this as much. I realize my value is not found in romance.
  • Sometimes I wonder if it's okay to think the way I do.
    • Is it okay to be harsh and brutally honest?
    • Would I still be so honest if I knew people would take offense?
  • Sometimes I wonder why I'm so socially incapable
    • I feel like I'm loud and annoying, but at the same time, quiet and I don't contribute anything worthwhile.
    • I feel totally incapable of making friends apart from people who are brought into my life by others or by circumstances.
      •  I WANT that. I want to feel like people want to be around me, not that they have to be.

No comments: