Would you go to war for me?

God! you know I'm trying, but this fight is so much bigger than me!
Its like a possession, some demon wrenches control of my mind and my hands away from me.
I know you are bigger than this, I know this disease can be killed by you.
So Jesus, please help me. I've got to get past this but it refuses to move.

I have got to sing.
My vocal chords strain for the sounds, and I sputter syllables that are unrecognizable as words.
My brain is a jumble of thoughts that I can't seem to organize into anything worthy of expressing.
Everything I know is falling, everything in me is failing.
God, I need a moment of revelation, give me a new life and fill me with your breath again.
I can't handle all of this... any of this.

I've Awakened.

And suddenly your issues aren't so pretty.
No, no. Don't get me wrong, I still love you.
All the same, the realization scares me.
The brokenness that drew me to you, I see now, isn't as attractive as I thought.
The scars that cross your spirit inspire me to pity, and I see the fight you've had.
The ever-constant battle to see the good, the scratches that cover your palms and knees from the falls that you've had.

Love Essay

“4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”-1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Since ancient times, people have recognized the importance of romantic love. We have stories and murals, plays and rituals all designated towards the honoring of romantic Eros love. There is, however, another form of love that has equally inspired humanity to create, Agape love. This love is unending and unconditional, and is usually associated with God. As a Christian, I have seen the power of this love. It is because of this background that I believe that it is impossible to have true romantic love without the love of God.

The world we live in isn’t kind. Even in the times when we are the happiest, there is still a world outside, unavoidable and striving for nothing more than to tear apart a good attitude. When love has taken over, there is nothing more that we want than to protect it and keep it safe from harm. Romantic love has a serious flaw in that when we fall completely, we don’t even brace for the impact. This is where the problem ensues; with defenses down and the war still raging outside the protected bubble, stepping outside poses an immediate and extreme danger. Any problem that comes your way has the potential to become an atomic bomb. Agape love speaks through your conscience in these moments, giving little warnings. Whether we choose to heed them or not, they are there, telling us to be on the lookout for the problems on the way.

As anyone who’s been in a relationship that failed probably knows, it is extremely hard to make things works if the views of one person involved differ from their significant other’s. This doesn’t only apply to religion, but differing views on things like pre-marital sex, drug use or even something as simple as politics can spell disaster. It’s hard to establish a common ground with someone who was brought up differently. For example: while one might think that premarital sex is fine and is natural in the progression of a relationship, the other might see it as something that should be preserved and saved for one person. Of course, both would want to find common ground, which results in a compromise. In most situations, compromise is good. But on things where moral values are involved, this usually means that one side gives in to the other. For a person to waver their convictions for their love is not the ideal situation. Agape love teaches those involved to respect the beliefs of the other and be selfless, thinking of the other before themselves. This works best when both involved agree to live this way, exercising not only their romantic love, but their self-less unconditional Agape love for each other.

Agape love is unconditional. That means that whatever is done, whatever happens, agape love is not taken away. Anyone exercising agape love forgives and forgets. Romantic love is jealous, and when the trust that goes along with it is betrayed, there is rarely any going back to the way things were. Reconciliation and romantic love have a hard time meshing. Often, the one who is hurt refuses to forget or forgive. However, when agape love works with romantic love it is much easier for those involved to forgive and move on.

Bob Dylan once said “You can't be wise and in love at the same time.” Romantic love isn’t wise; it is crazy, unexplainable and exciting. Like anything fitting that description, it has its dangers. Not that it should be avoided, not in the least. What is necessary is for those involved to have a secondary love for each other that is wise and unconditional to counter the shortcomings of their passion. Agape love and romantic love are perfect complements, and to truly love someone, it is necessary to unconditionally care for them.

Being Persistent and loving like Christ.

Today I got my first taste of what ministry is like.
I know I know, I'm 17 and I am not a certified minister/pastor/preacher/what-have-you, BUT as a daughter of Christ, gifted with the power of his spirit (like everyone who calls Jesus their savior) , I am a missionary and a warrior. Everyday I go out onto the mission field, a veritable battle field.

But today was the first time I really saw what it is like to try to convince an unbelieving world of the truth of who God is.

I have a friend. He's about the same age as me, in my classes, we hang out a lot around school and talk all the time over Instant Messenger. This morning, I wake up and turn on my computer and he starts Iming me. and out of nowhere he says he deleted me from his MySpace friends. When I asked him why, he responded that I was part of the system.( "PART OF THE SYSTEM MAAANN!!") and went on to clarify that by "System", he meant the church. No particular denomination, just the church.

After some coaxing, he explained he had some deep-seated grudges against the church due to a camp him parents sent him to as a kid as a punishment. When he got tired of the camp he tried to get kicked out, and when he finally succeeded the pastor of the camp went all fire-and-brimstone on him and his friends and told them they were corrupted souls that needed to be cleansed. Thus, he established that all Christians and God hate everyone who doesn't put up with the crap this church put him through.

I tried to explain that God isn't into torture.
No dice.

I tried explaining that God's love is a choice.
No dice.

I tried telling him that not all Christians are terrible people who want nothing more than to make you feel like crap.
STILL NOTHING.

By the end of this whole thing, I felt like blocking him and cutting him out entirely. But then, i was smacked over the head with this " enduring love" thing. In spite of everything we do, in spite of the way we close our ears to it, it still remains that Jesus loves us and died for us and he is still gonna knock at the door. He doesn't stop loving us, He doesn't stop trying to win us over. So why should I?

Cancer of the Imagination

Spreading, engulfing my thoughts
Metastasized to every organ, this thing is a part of me.
A disease without a cure, an addiction with no 12-step program,
A joyous imprisonment.
Love and hatred, peace and lunacy, from the depths or pain to the heights of happiness.
Uncontrollable and amazing, This is my affliction and my vaccination.
There is no drug that can give me immunity to it's hold, there is no pain it cannot deter.
My mind runs circles daily, as it stretches its fingers and takes my attention.
And though the world tries to force me into chemo, I won't do it.
I have cancer of the imagination, and I can't thank God enough.

Honesty Box Debate

So a while back, I posted a question to my honesty box (an anonymous app here on facebook. because I honestly was just wondering what kind of responses I would get. So far I have only gotten one responder, but she has responded a few times. I don't know who she is, but she seems to know everything about me and what I believe and why I believe it. That being said, I thought that in my efforts to "condemn" her for "not following my lifestyle" (note the quotes, denoting sarcasm. My real reason is to defend myself if whoever-this-is ever decides she's going to make this a real life issue), I thought I would post this. Have fun reading, guys.

MY QUESTION:Have you ever looked at porn? Do you regret it?
HER REPLY:Why would you ask this question? Have you looked at porn recently and regret it?
MY REPLY:I would ask this question because I honestly care for the people that have looked at porn and regret it. I've seen what it can do to people. People say it is harmless but it is like a grenade. Not only can it hurt you, it can hurt people around you.
Not true all the time, but in a lot of cases it is.
And No. I haven't looked at porn recently.

Don't take it personally. Its not like I am asking you to tell me who you are, and I would never condemn someone for it who isn't hurting me. I'm just trying to see if anyone would admit to it in total anonymity. I'm surprised I got such a hostile response from a girl even anonymously...
HER REPLY:
So you haven't looked a porn recently, but have you ever looked at porn???

And I think you do condemn people. I think you're very judgemental of other people if they dont' follow your lifestyle.

And I definately dont' understand the girl comment. Am I not supposed to take offense to judgments because i'm a girl? seriously. that's ridiculous, espcially coming from a fellow girl.
MY REPLYIn response to the offense thing, No I don't think you aren't supposed to take offense. The thing is that Porn-in terms of the way it is in our culture- is thought of as more of a guy thing. and for a girl to respond in a defensive way is surprising to me. Women don't tend to be as open as guys about it, whether defending their viewing of it or expressing shame for viewing it.

I think its pretty rude of you to ask me to admit this kind of thing when you know who I am. You at least have the anonymity to protect you from being judged, so even if I DID "condemn" you for looking at porn or whatever, that would never pass over into real life. YOU however could either pass judgement on me (because you know who I am) and call me either a "prude" for not looking at it, or a "hypocritical pervert" if I did, because you seem to think I hate people who have. And you couldn't be more wrong.

What do YOU know about my life? what do you know about my "lifestyle"?
You have no clue why I am the way I am, what II really believe, and why I believe the way I believe.
HER REPLY:I think you're a stuck up little christian girl who pretends to act like a badass and a punk little emo chick.

You believe in 'God' because of how you've been raised.
MY REPLYMillions of kids were raised the same way and don't believe in God. And millions of people believe in God, but weren't raised that way.

And in what way am I stuck up? Have I ever acted stuck up to you in real life? And as far as the badass comment and the punk little emo chick thing, I think I've heard that before. and frankly I don't care. You can call me a punk emo kid all day. You've never said it to my face, and therefore I can say that you pretend to act like you aren't afraid to say whatever about people. But in reality, you are too scared of what people will think of you. If you weren't you would've messaged me that last comment instead of commenting here.
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Well there you have it, Gentleladies and Gentlemen. Yes, I did get a little angry. But wouldn't you? Maybe not so passionately about the same thing, but about whatever you believe strongly about. Its a little aggravating for this person to make judgments about me when she has no clue what has happened in my life to make me think what I think. For the record, no matter what this girl says, I DO NOT judge people who have looked at porn unless it has an effect on me. None of you guys or girls have that much sway over me, so don't worry.

Also, if you don't have anything nice to say, its probably best to not say anything.

New year for new beginnings.

I can't say I'm sad to see 2008 gone. A lot of good things happened last year, but a lot of bad things happened as well. I want this year to be different. I want to be different this year.
I want to love more and burst out in anger less.
I want to be less negative.

I want to be a daughter my parents can be proud of.
I want to be less critical of myself and others.
I want to spend less time hiding away from the people I love because I can't stand the way they are acting (read:how I am interpreting the way they act).

I want to be the woman of God my name suggests I am.